Shiny Les Hits Los Angeles (May, 1975)

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The previous moderator of this blog, Billy Argyle, has been arrested and charged with crimes too disgusting to mention. I am now in charge of the Baxter tapes.

Robin Hamlyn

Shiny Les Hits Miami (April, 1975)

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Les Baxter’s World of Shiny Things was a series of radio shows commissioned by the BBC between May and August 1975. The idea was to give listeners an aural glimpse into the glamorous, jet-setting lifestyle of Les Baxter, England’s most notorious and irresistibly handsome playboy. Baxter vanished without trace in 1976, and the episodes were never broadcast.

The origins of Baxter’s wealth remain obscure, as does his life before he found fame as an author of espionage thrillers. As for the nature of his disappearance, it is quite clear that the circumstances have never properly been investigated. There are those who believe that the intrigues, deceits and covert skulduggery of the Cold War are things of the past. I am living proof that they are not.

People familiar with Baxter’s novels — “Ian Fleming for halfwits” according to David Niven — will know how blatantly derivative they are. Nevertheless, titles such as Rubies Are Eternal, The Woman with the Silver Bomb, Die for Me Twice and Lunarstrafer were hugely successful, although now almost entirely forgotten. Equally lost to memory is the bizarre fact that, in 1969, Baxter was actually considered for the role of James Bond. But having just turned 40, he was “too long in the fangs” for series producer Albert Broccoli, and the part went to George Lazenby, an Australian buttock model whom Baxter later called “a talentless poove” live on British television.

Around this time, Baxter was a frequent guest at the San Tropez beach-house of arms dealer, pornographer and junior treasury minister  Fred “Diagonal” Cromarty. It was here that Baxter became intimately acquainted with Telly Savalas, whose role as Blofeld in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service began to obsess him. According to Cromarty, Baxter and Savalas were inseparable, and the two spent hours together discussing cars, male grooming and Greek Cypriot politics — a subject upon which Baxter was startlingly fluent. Other guests at Cromarty’s beach-house included Neil Diamond, Norman “The Panther” Shelvings, Art Garfunkel, Carly Simon, Peter Ustinov, and the Olympic figure-skating champion John Curry. It is my belief that certain combinations of these people were involved in acts of the utmost depravity. Cromarty was found dead in his swimming pool on Chrismas Eve, 1977.

Baxter’s life is virtually impossible to document. Very few people are willing to discuss the man. During the course of my researches, I have been threatened, beaten, drugged, and almost certainly raped. Nevertheless, I did manage to acquire the unedited cassette tapes pertaining to Shiny Things — 619 of them! — and over the coming weeks I intend to publish my own assemblies of the episodes. With over 500 hours of material to work with, this task is proving to be a gargantuan one. Edits are a challenge, and to “paper over” gaps in continuity, I have commissioned a young, ruined harpist to provide a sumptuous glissando at the appropriate moments.

From my window I can see a derelict fairground.

Billy Argyle, January 24th, 2011.